You Can Only Change Yourself

Observe always that everything is the result of change, and get used to thinking that there is nothing Nature loves so well as to change existing forms and make new ones like them.

- Marcus Aurelius

One of life’s hardest lessons to learn is that you can only change yourself.

Some people spend inordinate amounts of time and energy upset, angry, or frustrated by other people’s thoughts and behaviors.

But to what end? You can rail against the rain or feel sanguine about the snow, but there’s not a whole lot you can do about it. Why should we, by default, believe we can change another person’s — an independent, thinking self just like us — behaviors and thoughts with just a few choice words? If you think about it for a minute, it sounds kind of ridiculous.

Yet we don’t think about it when we have an emotional reaction to someone else’s behavior or words. We say things like, “How could they say such a thing!” or “How can anyone be so rude!?” or “Don’t they know how much they hurt me? Why do they do that?!”

We often react in this way because our emotions are a part of most people’s innate decision-making skills. We react and respond emotionally to emotional needs of our own, rather than in a logical, rational manner. So when someone touches one of these emotional needs, we can respond in a way that may not make a whole lot of sense to an outside observer.

No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change.

- Barbara de Angelis

What you can do, just once, is to make a polite request for another to stop the behavior that you find frustrating, annoying or disturbing. But that’s it, just once (or maybe twice, if you feel the person really didn’t hear or understand the initial request). After that, you just become a nag and will be ignored. Repeating something over and over again doesn’t suddenly make people more aware of themselves, it just makes them aware of how annoying you can be.

There’s no magic to stopping trying to change other people’s behavior. Catch your thoughts (by writing them down in a journal or blog, for instance) when you find yourself saying something like, “I wish she wouldn’t do..” or “I can’t believe he thinks that…” — things like that. Making a note of it, mental or otherwise, allows you to pause your automatic thinking before you jump to the next step in your response (which is usually to say something to the person).

If you’ve already said something, now’s the time to stop and go no further. Unless you’re the other person’s parent, they’ve probably already heard it and may have even tried stopping the behavior. Hearing it again isn’t going to suddenly change their behavior.

You cannot hope to build a better world without improving the individuals. To that end each of us must work for his own improvement, and at the same time share a general responsibility for all humanity, our particular duty being to aid those to whom we think we can be most useful.

- Marie Curie

People can spend weeks, months and in some cases years in psychotherapy working on changing their thoughts or behaviors. That’s because such change often takes that long to understand, practice, and then implement. Behaviors most important to others are also likely behaviors that are important to ourselves and not readily changed, even if we wanted to. They sometimes are integrated part of another’s personality or way of thinking about and looking at the entire world.

So save yourself some frustration today and try to learn to stop trying to change others. Focus instead on changing your own faults and you may find yourself living a happier and more peaceful life.

Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them -- every day begin the task anew.

- Saint Francis de Sales

Special thanks to Dr. John of the psych central.

Next week is going to be another time on this motivating program Inspirational talk

Ayo Stuntchild on Inspirational Talk: Lying to Yourself

Ayo Stuntchild on Inspirational Talk: Lying to Yourself: "Lying to Yourself Self-Deception Is the Refuge of the Weak Why is it that we hesitate to deceive others, but think nothing of lying to ours..."

Lying to Yourself

Lying to Yourself

Self-Deception Is the Refuge of the Weak
Why is it that we hesitate to deceive others, but think nothing of lying to ourselves? I'm afraid we all practice self-deceit and sometimes with grave consequences. The most common ploy we use is rationalization. That's just a fancy way of saying we make excuses and blame our lack of success on circumstances beyond our control. We don't like to admit we are the cause of our problems, so we invent reasons for our failures. Let me give you some examples of the lies we tell ourselves.

Did you ever notice in your discussions with others that they are wrong and you are right? Isn't it odd that you are ALWAYS right and NEVER wrong? How can that be? This lie prevents us from learning from others. Why do we feel threatened by different opinions and find it painful to admit we may be wrong?

Well, we often get stuck in "either-or" thinking. That is, EITHER Tope is right OR I am right. Either Moji is clever or I am. But it is never that way. Actually, SOME of what Tope says is right and SOME isn't. Tope is SOMETIMES right, but SOMETIMES wrong. Just because Moji knows more about SOME things than I do doesn't mean she knows more about EVERYTHING than I do. Once we understand this, we will feel less threatened by different ideas and more willing to listen and learn.

The lies they tell themselves allow some people to destroy their health with cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, and overeating. Others go penniless because they justified their wild spending habits by saying "I work hard, so I deserve these luxuries" or "Perhaps I can't afford it now, but I'll be able to pay for it later, so I'll put it on my credit card." Lies. Lies. They're all lies.
A favorite lie of many is, "I couldn't do it because I didn't have the time." If you didn't have the time to do the important stuff, how come you had time to do the unimportant stuff? Yet another all too popular lie is "I have more than enough time to do it LATER." These procrastinators while their lives away, LATER wondering where all their time went and why they failed to reach their goals.

Those who are too frightened to step out of their comfort zone and make something of themselves proclaim, "I'm not afraid, I'm just being cautious." "Those who year after year fail to make any progress announce, "I cannot help it. That's just the way I am. It is my nature; I was born this way." Lies. Lies. Lies. They don't get us anywhere.
Unless we end the self-deception, face our fears, admit our faults, accept responsibility, roll up our sleeves and get to work, things will remain the same. Is that what we want? Is that what you want? Assuming that it isn't and that you are committed to stop lying to yourself, let's look at some of the methods we use to deceive ourselves, for once we are aware of them, they will be easier to uproot.

1. RATIONALIZATION.

I already mentioned this method earlier, but the important thing to understand is that NO RESULTS + GREAT EXCUSE = NO RESULTS. This formula clearly shows that no excuse, regardless how good it is, advances our cause. In a word, there's no point in making excuses. It's just a waste of time. Far better to use that time to take steps, no matter how small, to bring us closer to our goal.

2. JUSTIFICATION.

Also mentioned earlier. When we justify our actions, we twist the facts, pretending to ourselves that our wrongful acts are perfectly reasonable. For example, an office worker who pilfers office supplies tells himself, "My boss is exploiting me, so I have a right to take some supplies for myself." Not only is he a liar, but a thief!

3. SELECTIVE ATTENTION.

When faced with an opinion that we disagree with, rather than consider we may be wrong, we dismiss, discount, and downplay its importance. We always remain on the lookout for information that supports our beliefs, and automatically reject anything that conflicts with our preconceived notions.

4. DENIAL.

Rather than face the painful truth, we choose to ignore it. Denial is a trick frequently used by addicts. For example, an alcoholic may say, "I don't have a problem; I'm just a social drinker." or "I'm not drunk. I can still drive safely."

5. WISHFUL THINKING.

This is the opposite of denial. Deniers pretend that what is true, is not, and wishful thinkers pretend that what is not true, is. Wishful thinkers delude themselves into believing something is true simply because they want it to be so. The world abounds in wishful thinkers, so it's not surprising that roughly 2,350 years ago Demosthenes taught, "Nothing is so easy as to deceive oneself; for what we wish, we readily believe."

6. PROJECTION.

This is a form of denial, but neither the problem nor its severity is denied. Instead, all responsibility is denied. "Yes, it's true I have many problems," Tade says, "but so would you, if you were raised by my mother." In this tactic, we shift the blame for our problems on another or claim life circumstances are responsible.

7. INTROJECTION.

This method is the opposite of projection. Rather than deny our responsibility, we assume the responsibility of another. In other words, instead of blaming the perpetrator, we pretend it is our fault. For instance, a woman is in love and finds it too painful to acknowledge her boyfriend is a bad person. Rather than admit the truth and end the relationship, she believes he abuses her because there is something wrong with her.

8. REGRESSION.

Rather than coping with a problem in a mature way, a person under stress or frustration may revert to earlier, childish methods. That is, the troubled person may sulk, whine, or cry, and feeling helpless expect others to rush to his or her aid.

9. REPRESSION.

Child victims of sexual abuse and incest may find the pain and confusion too much to bear. So, the subconscious represses the memories. That is, it buries the memories below the level of awareness. Although repression alleviates the pain and allows the child to function, the memories remain intact. And until they are faced and dealt with, the victim may not be able to form healthy relationships.

10. SUPPRESSION.

After a traumatic event, victims may find the memories too painful to bear and deliberately push them out of their mind. In repression the memories are subconsciously hidden, but in suppression they are consciously hidden.

11. DISPLACEMENT.

In this method of coping we take out our frustration and anger on innocent people. Suppose your boss gave you a hard time today and you are angry. But you feel you cannot express your anger to your boss without putting your job in jeopardy. So, what do you do? You pick on someone who will not strike back, such as your spouse or children.
As you can see, lying to ourselves is a coping mechanism. We do it to avoid pain. But here's the rub; the pain of not facing and handling the truth is greater than facing it. You probably already understand that. So, why do you continue to lie to yourself? You see, it is one thing to UNDERSTAND it is better to face our problems and quite another thing to FEEL the pain, doubt, and worry that accompanies facing them.
When it is a battle between the intellect and our emotions, our emotions almost always win. That's because we usually operate on autopilot, allowing our emotions to run the show. However, with practice, we can interrupt our feelings and ask ourselves "Is the action that I now FEEL like taking in my best interest?" If it isn't, we can choose to act differently. When we stop and question our feelings often enough, it will become a new habit, so that we will always be acting in our best interest, even when our actions are automatic.
I don't wish to get morbid, but if your doctor told you that you had a terminal illness, wouldn't you do things differently? Wouldn't you see to it that you spend your remaining time doing what works for you, rather than sabotage your own success and happiness? Well, guess what? You do have a terminal illness. It is called life. So, if you don't start acting in your own best interest today, when will you begin?

So, the next time problems erupt, face them. Analyze them and tear them apart. Ask yourself, "What are the best steps for me to take now?" Then do what you believe is best. Study your results, and make further refinements if needed. Force yourself to look at your life in order to make it better. Don't just talk about it; take action! Change affirm-ations to affirm-actions.
And as Bernard Baruch (1870~1965) wrote, "Approach each new problem not with a view of finding what you hope will be there, but to get the truth, the realities that must be grappled with. You may not like what you find. In that case you are entitled to try to change it. But do not deceive yourself as to what you do find to be the facts of the situation."

The problem with self-deception is it blinds us to the cause of our problems, thereby making us incapable of solving them. We've got to remove the glasses we're wearing, regardless how bright the light of truth may be. Once we face our problems, we'll be able to overcome them. And that's the truth!
Ayo Dada...

Develop Wisdom

To bear misfortune is to overcome it

We may not agree with everything that happens in life, but what should we do when we are embroiled in events that we would not willingly choose? Should we fight them or accept them as the inevitable cost of being alive? Ah, that is the question! The key is balance between ACCEPTING what is unavoidable and STRUGGLING to change things for the better. But how do we know what is unavoidable? How do we know what can and should be changed? How do we distinguish between a path that leads to a futile fight with one that leads to a valiant victory?

To make the wrong choices leads to much heartache, regret, and suffering. Yet, it is not easy to distinguish between correct and incorrect action. It takes wisdom to do so. And wisdom rests firmly on knowledge, experience, common sense, and rational thinking. Let's look at some examples.

Tom discovers that people often treat him and others rudely. Not because of anything Tom has done, but merely because they are thoughtless people. Understandably, Tom does not welcome rude behaviour. But since he, like all of us, must deal with others regularly, he is forced to experience rudeness. So, how should he respond? His natural inclination may be to get upset. We don't have any control over emotions that spontaneously rise within us. However, once we are aware of anger or any other negative emotion, we can choose between letting it go or dwelling on it and giving in to it. So, after Tom feels a momentary flash of anger, he can brush it aside and get on with life or give in to it and react with hostility.

How should he respond? How would you respond? The correct response requires wisdom. And wisdom, to repeat myself, needs knowledge, experience, common sense, and rational thinking. Using these tools, let's take a closer look at Tom's problem. Is the rudeness he experiences unavoidable or can it be changed for the better? Sometimes it can be changed. For example, Tom can practice assertive behaviour and say to a store clerk, "Excuse me, Sir, after making a purchase, I don't want you to throw my change on the counter like that because I feel like you are treating it or me like trash. Instead, I would like you to return the change politely to all your customers." To which the clerk may respond, "Whoops! Sorry about that; I must have been daydreaming." Yes, sometimes we can change things for the better.

On the other hand, the clerk may respond by saying, "Buzz off!" Now what do you do? You could speak to the Manager. But the Manager may defend the clerk by saying, "The store is very busy and he is under a great deal of pressure. He simply doesn't have time to be, as you put it, 'polite.'" The point is, sooner or later, we will discover that we cannot force EVERYONE to be polite. We will also discover our choices have consequences. For instance, we will learn that if we allow ourselves to be angry about the behaviour of others, we rob ourselves of happiness. For how can an angry person be a happy person? That's what Buddha meant when he taught, "You will not be punished FOR your anger; you will be punished BY it." To rob ourselves of happiness is self-defeating and, therefore, irrational.

Putting everything together, Tom gained the EXPERIENCE that people are sometimes rude. After taking various actions, he gained the KNOWLEDGE that you cannot change everyone for the better. He also experienced the pain of getting upset over something that is unavoidable. Later he experienced the peace and restoration of happiness that follows from letting go of negative feelings. Therefore, COMMON SENSE and RATIONAL THINKING led him to conclude he is better off accepting, not fighting, what cannot be changed. This conclusion was based on WISDOM. Can you see how when we bear (accept) misfortune, we, in fact, overcome it?

The wise are never disturbed by rudeness. For they have learned it is an opportunity to grow by practicing assertiveness, patience, compassion, and forgiveness. The unwise, who have grown up in a culture that glorifies violence as manliness, are afraid of appearing weak. So, they fight rudeness every step of the way. How ironic it is that in their attempts to appear strong, they reveal their own weaknesses. Another paradox is that those who 'give in' to rudeness by not getting upset are the ones who help eliminate it by their good examples.

There are times, however, when we should resist, such as for grievous injustice. The world needs the liberating influences of people like Martin Luther King, Jr. (1929 ~ 1968) and Nelson Mandela.(b. 1918). It also needs those unsung heroes who are lawyers in certain Muslim countries that dare to challenge the authorities or tradition. They courageously defend those who have been condemned to die by stoning because of adultery, premarital sex, or having the 'audacity' to be raped. (The crimes punishable by stoning vary in the countries that practice it.)

Of these great men and women who have fought injustice, it will be said, "Choosing to die resisting rather than to live submitting, they fled only from dishonor, but met danger face to face." (Taken from a funeral address delivered in 431 BC by Pericles, the statesman largely responsible for developing Athenian democracy.) Our responsibility is to follow the noble examples of past and present leaders by helping to end injustice, in whatever way we can, in our own community.

Let's return to Tom and another problem. His doctor told him he has a terminal disease and will live for one year at the longest. What should Tom do? Should he calmly accept his death sentence or should he fight it? We have already learned that it is irrational to fight the unavoidable. After all, the inability to accept what is and what cannot be changed leads to unhappiness. But we also learned about the role of knowledge, experience, and common sense. Without these ingredients, we cannot make a wise decision.

Is Tom's early death unavoidable, as the doctor claims? Well, sometimes inevitability is not a fact, but an interpretation. Psychoneuroimmunology (the field of medicine that deals with the effect of our thoughts and emotions on our immune system) clearly shows that a positive attitude (cheerfulness, faith, hope, courage, and the love of overcoming challenges) can have a profound influence on illness. Many of us know people who were told to prepare for death many years ago, but beat the odds and are in the best of health today. So, what should Tom do? Armed with the above knowledge and experience, common sense tells us that Tom has nothing to lose and everything to gain by maintaining a positive attitude. Wouldn't you agree? Today's lesson, then, is that we should accept what we cannot change, try to bring about change where it is needed, and develop the wisdom to distinguish between what can and cannot be changed.